Little Frolick

The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. - Henry Miller.

To think that I am not going to think of you anymore is still thinking of you. Let me then try not to think that I am not going

"This planet is, to put the matter baldly, populated and largely controlled by domesticated primates who are not in all respects reasonable men and women. Voltaire may have been exaggerating when he said that to understand the mathematical meaning of infinity, consider the extent of human stupidity; but the situation is almost that bad. Millions have been murdered by stupid leaders or stupid mobs, for stupid reasons, in every century; and the bizarre (accidentally imprinted) reality-tunnels which make this possible continue to rule us and robotize us.

Nor is stupidity the exclusive possession of one group or another; you do not need a 'vocation' for it as you do for the priesthood." - excerpt from Prometheus Rising.

As i was saying that it was real strange to have picked up and read this book in 2005 - a true synchronicity for me - as the book ends with this:

"By the time the Consciousness Revolution peaks, the Longevity Pill is widely available, cloning is normal and all the ideas in this book, including the most wild and radical ones, seem quaint and old-fashioned - i.e. about 2005 - we will probably be growing accustomed to thinking in terms of revolutions per year."

And how true Wilson is... who wrote this book in 1983. (there's a long chapter on UFOs...)

At times the book seems tiresome and repetitive, talking about reality-tunnels and how our socialization is often the cause of our misunderstandings and misery on this planet. (I wish i had read this book earlier - maybe i could have understood all the people i have misunderstood so far and so terribly even though i thought i was trying very hard) It's also pretty 'retro' looking; i guess it's because it was written in the 80s! Anyway, i don't know if i can hope for a critical mass here in Singapore; because it seems close to impossible as most of the people i know who grew up here are seriously robotized. And who is to say that I am not a robot myself? I've been programmed by my parents to question everything, by school to perform well and to make myself economically viable and by society to be law-abiding. Who's to say that no matter how i decide to change my thinking, that i'm just faling into another system of mind control?

The truth is that freedom of thought and living may constantly be out of reach of the human mind. The world is too wide for us to understand in a lifetime - and collective intelligence will never work because (as stated above) 'I'm with stupid'. every bigoted group would think of each other as stupid and incapable of rising above their blind beliefs and convictions in life.

How then can one decide to believe in anything without the fear of being bigoted, or stupid? what then is the universal, unifying truth?

It can't be love - because we all know that love makes us stupid. hahah.

I stayed behind after evening class to chat with a colleague of mine; who usually ends up staying real late in the hospital doing paperwork. I tried my best to drag him out of the hospital and go for dinner with me somewhere, but we just had dinner in instead. Talked about religion and he was telling me about the case for the creator - whereby science is beginning to show signs of evidence that the universe was created, and that it did not happen out of random chance. We are all searching for a meaning to life; that thread of hope, that missing piece in the puzzle. I know for myself that i cannot live life thinking that things have happened to me out of sheer randomness. did i date so-and-so because of random chance? did i become a physiotherapist randomly? did my parents have 6 children by accident? was i born in stuffy Singapore by random chance? Am i sitting here thinking and typing just because i happen to be sitting here? what? how can random chance explain the world? surely there is more... or is it just my foolish pride telling me so? or my fear of death (which may or may not be equal to my fear that all ends when i die)? i don't think i am afraid of death - i am curious to know what happens when i die. there is nothing in this life i want to keep or hold on to. no apple computers, no handsome man, no job, no bank account that would keep me alive.

No yearning to travel, nothing... nothing at all would make me love being on earth so much as to make me fret with despair at the thought of dying. perhaps i'll just miss my loved ones a lot. (and no, i do not think i am being fatalistic; in fact there is much freedom in detachment)

On another note; perhaps equally morbid, was a story about one of the patients who died last night. apparently he had bled to death and when they were resuscitating him (open heart) there was not a drop of blood left in his heart as it had all bled out. it makes me shudder. a nurse friend of mine said she had actually dreamt of it happening - even though she hadnt had any contact with this patient at all. apparently she has these psychic dreams sometimes. i'm glad i don't have them... and that the only 'visions' i have are more general and more related to energies than to persons.

Life is an exciting ride, i must admit - but Singapore is raising its public transport fares once again. for buses that i spend hours waiting for. i'm not going to afford living here very soon and my measely wage is keeping me small and limited in my ability to expand my experiences. it's a ploy to keep only a select few fully capable of self-actualizing. and the group with the financial ability to do that is mostly caught up in maintaining that money and getting more houses and more cars than anything else.

Yup. Infinitely stupid.

 

posted by: crysalis at 22:02 | link | comments |
prometheus rising

Prometheus

Prometheus Rising was a strange mind trip - reality tunnels ad infinituum.

It was a little strange to read it in 2005; where some of the things Wilson was predicting has already come true.

To elaborate further.... (cont'd)

posted by: crysalis at 22:01 | link | comments |

another song for a blue guitar

she comes apart at the seams
cause she never dreams
as she lays up awake
cause her feelings ache
and the one thing she found
as she gazed at the sea
was that she lost her faith
her faith in me
and in the early morning
i can't make up a thing
and a barely can play
i don't like to sing
so i picked up my brush
painted blue guitar
and i ripped off the chords
from 'bron y' aur'
so i played her a song
but the timing was wrong
poor choices of chords
and the words were forced
and the one thing that i found
as i gazed at the sea
was that she lost all hope
all hope in me
as she gazed at the sea
was that she lost her faith
her faith in me


it's the inequalities in this life that make me ill. this weekend has been an indulgence-ridden one; partying and eating and partying and shopping. everytime i do this i feel sick to my stomach knowing that there's someone out there who can't even afford to buy textbooks for school, or have proper meals. like i can sit and listen to myself and my friends complain about work, or how expensive cigarrettes have become, or the newest best thing out there, where to go for a long vacation...

is there a certain social responsibility for being born into a country with relative monetary and commercial wealth?

someone once told me that i should stop feeling so guilty - and all the more i should be out there savouring and sampling the beauty in life. i think i have reached another turning point; once again - and i have to do something about it now.

But what?

i am so tired, so tired of trying to be alright. so tired of functioning in this made-up world. tired of being bound to my job, tired of being judged. tired of hearing all the double standards, tired of second-guessing everyone. i have had 2 patients who have anxiety issues; one of them has also been having auditory hallucinations and made 3 attempts on his life over the past 3 years. this time he used a cup of weedkiller, and the poison in his blood has left him twitching. he keeps asking why he's twitching, and it's strange for me to say to him that it's because of what he did to himself.

something inside of me has unravelled itself; and it's lolling in my sea of dreams, and causing havoc in my slumber. i've fallen through a crack and unlike before i have no desire to pretend that i'm just like everyone else here. i have no desire to fear my difference. i just wish i had more strength, and someone who would be strong for me.

my friend from NY said i reminded him of his friend back home, who has had lots of husbands but is always single. am i the same? i had a dream a long time ago that all my 7 boyfriends would die before i could marry any one of them. a big black angel would sweep down from the sky and take their last breath because they loved me. am i cursed? is this why i try to stay out of reach?

i was approached by a mormon on the bus, who asked me if i believed in God and life after death. do i pray, she asked. she said it is impossible for her to accept that our being ceases to exist when our body dies. i think it's human pride to long for the immortality of consciousness. if i wanted to be happy, i'll decide to believe that there is life after death with a great saviour who loves me more than anyone else in the world can. if i wanted to be less self-deluded, i'll believe that my molecules would join the earth when i die and the energy that i possessed will go into something else; perhaps greater or less so. i would believe that this life was random, and everyone i met was due to chance and coincidence. that my words today are because i so happen to be a little mixed up, and that they had no other purpose than that i had made them up. and if i wanted to be accepted socially, and be easy to understand i'll abide by the norms, by what people have come to know as being polite and tactful.

i can bend the rules all i want in my head - but i am still what i am. i think i'm losing grip. how do people stay convinced of what they believe in? how and why do people know things to be true? i can see how it works for scientific stuff; empirical data though is also not complete truth.

but there are some truths that are easier to believe: Jeff Buckley Live at the Sin E.

that happened. how a copy of it has come into my possession is another story.

posted by: crysalis at 16:15 | link | comments |

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